Le sexe et les relations

People representing diverse backgroundes gathered together surrounded by flowers

Le sexe et les relations peuvent être une grande partie de notre expérience d’adolescent-e (n’oublie pas que le sexe, ce n’est pas seulement la pénétration).

On a parfois l’impression que tout le monde parle de fréquentations, de drague et de qui a des relations sexuelles ou pas. Ça peut être excitant, amusant, stressant et bouleversant (et parfois c’est tout ça à la fois). Même si tout le monde semble parler de sexe et de relations, il peut être difficile de trouver des informations utiles sur la décision d’avoir ou non des relations sexuelles, et à quel moment; sur les différents types de sexe; sur le sexe plus sécuritaire; et sur les habiletés émotionnelles nécessaires pour bâtir des relations saines.

Les sections suivantes offrent des informations sur la décision d’avoir ou non des relations sexuelles, et à quel moment; le consentement; les mythes sur la virginité; le sexe plus sécuritaire; la contraception; les options de grossesse; les habiletés pour bâtir des relations saines et les signes avertisseurs d’une relation malsaine.

Sexual development is part of becoming an adult and includes deciding whether and when to have sex. There are some important things to consider before you make the decision to have sex for the first time or have sex with a different partner. The next sections provide information to consider as you make decisions about sexual activity.

Many of us believe that we “should” feel ready to have sex even if we’re not because we think everyone else is already doing it. Many people feel pressure to have sex when they’re not interested or ready.

The most important consideration when deciding whether or when to have sex is to feel ready. But what does it mean to feel “ready”? A lot goes into feeling ready: the timing, the location, your mental state, and most importantly, the person you’re planning to do it with.

I Found the Right Partner

The right partner is someone who makes you feel safe. When we trust someone because they have our backs and make us feel empowered and comfortable, sex can be a source of great joy, connection, and pleasure. The right partner is someone we feel desire for. If you are feeling unsure about how you feel about a person or about how they feel about you, it might be a good idea to wait.

The Timing Feels Right, This Is What I Want

The right time is when planning to have sex (for the first time or with a new partner) fits with your personal values, life goals, relationship goals, and emotional and physical needs.

Some of us will consider having sex to please someone or because of peer pressure, but we should have sex when WE want to. This is also true for those we wish to have sex with: we should always be sure they want to have sex. It is not okay to try to “convince” someone to have sex and/or badger them once they’ve said (or implied) no. This is not consent and you need consent to be physically or sexually intimate with other people.

Timing is important and you shouldn’t feel rushed. Maybe you do feel ready to have sex (or you’ve had sex already) but the timing is not right (you don’t want to have sex at a party or in a park, for example). If that’s the case, it’s important to recognize what you want and take a step back.

I Feel Desire, I Know What Feels Good to Me and I Know How to Communicate this

We can experience physical pleasure in many ways including touching, hugging, kissing, and stroking. Some of the greatest physical pleasures in life involve sexual excitement and experience. We all deserve pleasure, closeness, and care when we have sex.

Before we have sex with other people, we should take time to get to know ourselves and figure out what feels good in our own bodies. This is especially true for many girls and young women (cis and trans) because there is little representation of what desire and pleasure might look and feel like or that it is even important! For instance, dating scripts tell us that cis men are deserving of pleasure and that it is the role of women to please, often at the expense of their own pleasure.

Masturbation or self-pleasure is one of the many ways we can get to know what feels good in our own bodies. Having a solid idea of what makes our bodies feel good, what we desire, what we truly want, and how to talk about it is an important step in becoming ready to have sex with another person.

What if my Expectations of Sex Don’t Match my Experience?

We are used to hearing about the risks of choosing to have sex. We also  hear from our friends or see in TV shows that sex is perfectly timed, fun, romantic, and always feels really good. There is less information about the areas in between.

While sex can be fun and highly pleasurable, it can also be awkward or not as good as we hoped it would be. If we expected sex to feel romantic but the experience of it was embarrassing, it’s okay. If we wanted sex to be intuitive, fun, or easy and instead it felt awkward, it’s okay. It’s normal for this to happen especially when we’re getting to know someone’s body for the first time.

Talking openly and honestly to our sexual partners about what we want, our expectations, and experiences is one of the keys to great sex.

I Have the Right Information to Take Care of Myself

Sex is great and has many positive and pleasurable outcomes but can also present the possibility of getting an STI (which is very common) or facing an unplanned pregnancy. Knowing how to take care of your body by having the right information on birth control, pregnancy options, STIs, and safer sex can help ease a lot of anxiety.

Want more information?

Click here to check out Planned Parenthood’s Am I Ready for Sex?  

Click  here to check out Scarleteen’s Sex Readiness Checklist

What if I’m Still Unsure or Just Not Interested in Sex?

Many of us are misinformed about sex and sexuality because of the lack of proper sex-ed in schools. This can make it more difficult to know if we’re ready to have sex for the first time or with a new partner, to know what sex even means, to know what to do, or know what might make it a positive experience. If you’re still unsure or not interested in sex right now, that’s totally okay too!

Some of us don’t experience sexual attraction and may be on the asexual spectrum. When we start witnessing our peers getting more and more interested in sex, it might feel like something is not right, but being asexual is a completely normal sexual orientation that many people identify with.

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